Hi. My name is Trudie. Here are my beliefs.

Polytheistic.
Kindness to those who deserve it.
Responsibility for the responsible.
I do not believe in focusing on the afterlife as I do not know if it existed. I rather focus on my own life, the here and the now.
I do believe that Lucifer liberated mankind.
I believe each deity is their own individual being.
I believe in neither good nor evil. I believe higher beings can be both like humans can, or like nature can.
I believe the Christian God is tyrannic and is not worthy of worship. I believe there is more to the story. I do believe Lucifer opposed God.
I believe humanity can become their own gods. There is no harm in believing such.
Do what you please regardless of the consequences. Do it because it feels right. Don’t regret it if it felt right.

Rambles to myself

Yeah, I don’t know what I really want right now. I skip around and flirt around because so many things are attractive to me, and I feel like I have to choose just one. And sometimes I’m told to. I’m still rather confused and it might be because I never actually had some time to be introspective and seriously think about what is attractive to me, what holds dear to me, what I can use and what I can’t.

But despite that, I’m not an absolute chaotic mess like years ago. It does make me wonder if Raphon (Spirit Guide/Guardian Angel) was anyone or a figment of my own mind, and who that presence was… who I don’t really feel right now. Ever. (The feeling of the presence left around the time Dionysus appeared, if I recall… it could have been before that, though.)

That presence loved popping around at times. When I first became a Wiccan, it decided to pop around. Why? I dunno. I took it as a sign that I was on the right track and that something was interested in me. Be it deity, or spirit. (I understood the presence as a deity. A male deity. And it always appeared to be rather pleasant.)

Over time, I got involved with the JOS for 3 months and something was definitely not pleased by that. When I first came across the site and was reading some the contents on it, the cupboard doors slammed. Hard. Now, no one was home (besides me) and I don’t think my cat was out in the kitchen at the time, they just slammed hard. Like someone was angry at something or me for being a tard. I was curious about it and went into the kitchen but saw nothing out of place. I went back and read more and saw a part about strange noises, demons and stuff and figured it could have been that. Lolno.

During the time I was involved, the presence kept popping around more frequently. It might have been due to the meditations I was doing at the time, too… which seemed to be the only beneficial things in the whole thing. But, it came around more. It was around more. Today I think it might have been keeping an eye on me or something. I have no clue, really. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Then, I left and begun feeling the presence less often. I was then hit by hearing voices at the strangest times, hearing footsteps and feeling someone sit beside me… when no one did. It eventually led me to try to figure out who it was and what they wanted. Told me it was “Belial” my “Guardian demon”. Things were rather here and there all the time (I threw away a pendant from one of my bracelets). I eventually broke down and decided I really needed to do something to give me some security blanket and looked up some protection spells or anything for such, and basically did the whole entire house. I felt safer.

Around that time, I was trying to repair parts of me that were lost. And still continued on doing it. I also figured that ignoring the whole thing might help a bit, or trying to move past it. Cue the present where I was getting somewhere, or starting to, and then a certain someone appears. It seemed to be finally dealt with, for the most part and I just needed to actually admit that it happened.
… This is why I sometimes think I went through therapy but the therapist is invisible. It just feels like I went through something like that…  >_>

Cue now, where I still have fond feelings for said therapist (Dionysus). A lot of fond feelings. Still sometimes feel a little funky when I think about him. 😉 Which is probably another reason why I’m unsure about a couple of things as I can’t entirely define those feelings except for friend-lover kind of way.

So the question is this: Do I feel content with myself, currently? Yes. A lot. I like the me I am today compare to the me I was in high school. I’ve got through a lot of my issues but at the same time, I didn’t get through them on my own. Someone was there, nudging me around. I’m perfectly content with who I am right now, especially now where I would be a broken mess due to confusion, but I’m not.
I’m also fully aware who has strict influence over who I am today. Fully aware. I probably would still be trying to get over everything, even if I was already over it…. and there is probably much more that could be fixed if I let it be and if I work on it in the progress. I’m still dumb, I was still dumb but I have gotten smarter over the last few days so.

I’m going to try to think and figure out what both allurements have to offer me, though there is probably far more work to be done on me (Which I realized while writing this), so… I don’t know. I’m either going to be constantly thrown around, or I’ll be stuck with someone for a while and then thrown around, but probably shouldn’t forget who I belong to in the end. >_> We shall see.

Welcome to my indecisive mind!

So it might be wise to take a little break until I figure things out. No deities—though I will probably talk to the ones I’ve had some relationship with but, other than that, I won’t really worship or honor anyone. I also need to focus what I will put into my own practice, too so I might do that. I feel some sense of familiarness on calling upon the elements, though I’m not too sure if I want to keep that practice or reject it. Probably reject it. I might end up doing an equivalent of the circle, but not really a circle. It’d be like purifying the space I intend to work in with either water mixed with slat or just slat. Let’s just say the method I’m doing is getting a tad bleh. It’s just candle and incense, though it has definitely worked in the past and I might end up doing it with the deities I am more intimate with, I dunno yet.

But I might focus on practices and such and continue on doing what I was doing for myself and the two boys who are most attractive to me. 😉 Writing poetry of them, doing small devotional stuff for them so on and so forth! Life continues on and I think right now I should focus on deciding what I want, and developing my own practice until I think about deity fully.

Blerrrgh

So weeks ago, my mother got a ticket from the police because the truck she was driving wasn’t changed over yet. It is due on the 22nd of June this year. THat is also her next pay day (she got paid today but only has 75 left). She says if she doesn’t get it paid, she will go to jail.  Lord knows my dad won’t help. 😐 She says she might have to sacrifice the mortgage just to pay the bill so she won’t go to jail. I don’t want to see her go to jail. I really don’t. :c

…Musings of the Shattered One… (Present; Last part)

It seems I am mistaken about the time range Dionysus appeared in. It was Late April-Early May, not late May-Early June!

Journal

I’ve been questioning as to why it was Dionysus I was drawn to. Why do I love him so? Why do I accept him so? I typed a message to Jasmine today and it started to click in. I did not send the contents of this to her, however; it was a bit personal. I’ve been looking for a sense of liberation or freedom. I did not want to be strapped down into a religion. I wanted both freedom and religion. I searched through Paganism, to Apollo, to others, to Lucifer and Satanism and Lucifer, to Paganism, to the LHP, to Paganism and to Lucifer again through Paganism. And to Apollo again, back again, etc. Then researched Hellenism and learning about Dionysus and Maenadism awakened a rebellious side, for a day. (Haha.) Then went back to Luciferianism, then to Paganism, and accepting that I had LHP beliefs that would not leave. Then to Lucifer, for the fact he represented enlightenment and freedom. Then Apollo creeped into my life again and right after, Dionysus. Which surprised me. He sort of informed me, through meditation, that I was his. I was claimed by him.
[Stuff about my personality… how I thought it was Dionysian.]
Yesterday’s storm was magnificent (… Let’s stop here for a minute. I really want to point out something I never noticed before. During this time when Dionysus first popped around, one of the first thunderstorms last year came about. I was in some strange awe about it. After it calmed down a little, I ran outside and danced in the rain. The reason I stopped here was because I am reminded me a festival on Wildivine.
“Bromia
Date: Moveable – on the first thunderstorm of summer
 Synopsis: In honor of the God of Noise. Drumming, music, etc., go out raving in a thunderstorm, or on the beach at night to the sound of crashing surf…”
… Why do I have the feeling I was doing just that without noticing until now? 😉 Moving on.) and it had a chaotic feeling which was beautiful.
I feel happy, and small minor worries don’t bother me much anymore. I love him, even though I still don’t understand him completely (Sidenote: I still love him. A lot. Even now.) He is a mad god and paradoxial. But I am willing to accept him in my life; I need someone like him. Duality, paradoxial. I realize that I can’t accept one part of him, I have to accept all of him.
But currently, I am pretty happy. I feel like I found what I was looking for, in a strange place. He is simply amazing.

May 27th, 2009

Basically an entry on Lucifer and my past on him… and me writing about my childhood, trying to figure out traces here and there, I think. Start of some crisis. Again. … Why didn’t I honor them both? Wait, I didn’t think of myself as ready. Right. I am going to quote some parts of it, however.

… maybe I don’t need a patron. Maybe I’m not called to a deity because I have to but maybe I have been called. Maybe I’ve been called the minute I begun my path as a Wiccan, maybe it is Lucifer who is calling me. Maybe I am desiring it…

And that’s pretty much it. 

…Musings of the Shattered One… (Part 3)

May 18th 2009
Pan is the one calling me “child”. He says “Yo”. Sometimes. He will not give me the actual names for the patron gods and goddesses but he did give me the first letter to them.
M – Morrigan
L – Lucifer
A – Apollo
P – Prometheus? (Perhaps Pan himself?)
A – Artemis

Some of them I have thought of who they are. So far I know two (maybe):
Brigid
Pan

Then there are questions regarding who is a patron and who isn’t.

June 11th, 2009

Today I did a small meditation, while getting distracted on and off by my cat Sasha. I saw a few images: Brigid’s cross, hands in a praying motion, someone praying, incense smoke. Before getting distracted, I heard the word “fire” and turned around, but my cat got me distracted.

I tried again and walked, reflecting on what I just saw and in front of me I saw a marble stand with steps, and fire was burning in a saucer. I heard “flamekeeper” and I turned around (perhaps before) and saw a woman, brownish-red hair. We talked but our mouths did not move. (The ending she took my hand, I think)
I’ll try again tonight.
3:25pm.

10:10pm, June 11th, 2009

There was nothing much besides a conversation. Flamkeeping suggestions of what to use if I decide to be a flamekeeper.

10:21pm.

Patron

People I’m drawn to:
Intelligent
Mischievous
Confident/Prideful
Beautiful/Handsome
Fun

What I like:
Learning/Wisdom/Knowledge
Literature
Art
Wolves
Creativity
Technology
Lucifer

Things that fascinate me
Crows (.. no.)
Snakes (Lol no.)
Mythology
Religion
Psychic abilities.

The Past section is done! Let’s move onto the present!

…Musings of the Shattered One… (Part 2)

Jan 3rd, 2009.

I currently am looking for a religion that fits me now, the present me. But, I don’t know where to start, well, that is sort of a lie. I know what I desire, though what I desire and what fate has in mind are two different things.
I desire something that is close to my Celtic background and my welsh background. My dad’s side of the family is Celtic, Scottish, and my mother’s side is Welsh. I wonder about that?
But, that’s where my heart’s desire is and the religion I found so far is Druidry. Shamanism is cool and I like it (I don’t remember this, actually.), but I don’t think it defines me.
Also, I think I’m starting to understand why, if possible, why Apollo is my patron god. The fact I write poetry is hard to deny and the fact that I liked Dolphins in the past and love wolves. (… Yes I use to think like this. Yes, it could be valid but it doesn’t mean it is. The only thing that I can find in my childhood in regards to maybe there being hints to my future connection with Lucifer is the fact that the morning star was one [is] my favorite stars. Venus ends up being a planet I’m fond of due to this fact. My questioning of Christian’s happiness, and if they really were happy, might have been a hint. I’m still trying to figure out why Jesus was not in my beliefs as a kid…) And, I am rambling on and I don’t care. I must remind myself of something though.

[and here I talk about Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, coming out on the 23rd of January.]

I wonder what my magickal name is? I know what my name, Trudie, means. It is a pet form of Gertrude, which means Spear of Strength. I bet the name will come through meditation or I can think of some, or not bother. My religion roots are Wiccan, very much so.
Hm…
Vampyre Heart? (… What? -eye brow raise-)
Spear? (…. No.)
Midnight Rose? (Username. Gonna stay one too, young self!)
Should I bother? Good night.

Mar 28th, 2009
Just a few days ago, I went into a state of confusion, which is both enlightening and ruining me.
I am confused, I do not now what deity I dare follow… yada yada. What religion I belong to… Yada, yada. Oh, look, something about Y!A! and some person told me to read Nu 35:3 and 2 Car 13:1. Did I? Yes. I do not see the point they are trying to make.
How will I find the answer?  (Man, I am melodramatic.)
Stuff about asking the Tarot. Looking at this in a calm perspective.

Apr. 15th, 2009

Basically about this and that, me deciding to be a Satanist (that fell through). About a poem I wrote… and other things. Nothing important besides that Satan and Satanism part, which is also not extremely important. Let’s summarize that: I believed in Satan—still do—and thought Satanism might have been the right path for me. It wasn’t and it’s not going to be. This is also the time where the Jehovah Witnesses came to bother me… as they are mentioned here.

Apr 16th, 2009
More confusion. Nothing important.

More to come!

…Musings of the Shattered One… (Past; Part 1)

Italics = Commentary

Nov. 15th, 2008.

Some troublesome thoughts today. I want to cut all roots from JOS, I want to let go of it. I do not want it to control how I think now. All I can hope is that I manage to not dwell on it and move on. I wonder if I will find out about my past life? I wonder if I met Raphon (Spirit Guide) in a past life? Maybe a dream will answer that? (I seemed to have think dreams were a good thing to get answers. Still do, sort of.)

I let go of all negative thoughts, the ashes of yesterday go with the wind and what replaces them are the rays of hope.

Dec. 20th, 2008
Confusion. JOS thoughts almost extinguished. However, due to studying Satanism, Luciferianism and dark Paganism, I am in a state of confusion. Will I get out of it?

This was a short one. Next one might be a bit longer. 

So

I’ve decided to delete some of my old posts and start anew. Kept my recent two, though.  I kind of did the same thing with Madness, Liberation and Wisdom. I decided to keep most of my Dionysus stuff on there, however. It was fun to write on that blog and I decided to keep it up. I told a friend that I would try to make a blog on Lucifer, to talk about my thoughts on him and such and I did: Hails to the Morning Star. So, that’s where some of my old Lucifer stuff will go! Hopefully I’ll write some new material there, too.

Why did I do this? I just kind of felt the urge to do so. It might be helpful to make some kind of transition, to help me figure myself out. Especially in the spirituality aspect. I haven’t quite figured that out… I might have got Loki’s attention and he might be around. Or, it’s all in my head on that part but I am still severely drawn to Lucifer but I’m not entirely upset about that. I have fond feelings for Dionysus and he did help me a lot but even back then I was very drawn to Lucifer. I don’t know if it’s just what Lucifer stands for or if there is something more that I should try to look into again and not force.

But either way, I just had the nagging feeling to delete most of my stuff and redo things (come to think of it, this is the time where Dionysus first popped around).

I’m extremely tired

but today was very hectic to me. I tried desperately to avoid bumping into my door and split a bit of my juice and had to clean it up, and avoid bumping into the door. The reason? .. I dunno. I think it had a lot to do with me thinking about not bumping into stuff, and my door decides it wants to creak in a wonderful position that made me groan.

That wasn’t the “exciting” part.
I was cleaning up the mess one of our dogs left and heard this strange buzzing sound. I didn’t think anything about it. I thought it was just the sound of the mop.
I put the mop away and realize that the buzzing wasn’t coming from the mop and looked up and saw this thing flying around and said “Oh Fuck!” and ran into my room, shutting my door. I thought it was a bee… or a bug of some type. I hate bugs in general so it was not a nice thing to see right then and there.
After calming down a bit, I grabbed my hoodie (like I thought it would protect me somehow) and looked round for bug spray, gave up, tried again a little while later and found the bug spray but I couldn’t see the damn bug.

Come back out later, and see him chilling on the kitchen window. Feeling a little bad, but also realize that I didn’t really want this thing here, I grabbed the bug spray and sprayed him three times. Noticing he didn’t like that much (or he was dying), I got out of there, fast, and shut my door again.

After my mom got back home, we found him dead in the sink. He was kind of a medium size bug, and black… I have no fucking clue what it was.

That was my day.
And I just realized I hardly get out of the house. I need to go out more.
Wait summer is coming around.
….. :c

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